Late night hospital thoughts

Even in the hardest moments, I’m overwhelmed with gratitude. I’m so thankful for the love and support. The prayers that lift me up and keep me steady when I feel myself getting weak. I’ve been impatient for approximately 24 hours and have had five pokes for iv. At the moment, I have a successful IV and one that could go any minute. And if you know some of my struggles with my health and through the years,you know how difficult these IV pokes can be for me, especially emotionally.

I get concerned by the fact that it’s so easy to be this other Jessica. To be the one who’s constantly taking notes, watching what comes in, and who comes in. Are they dressed in the proper protocols? Why are they here? What team are they from? What are their concerns that they’re looking at that I might not be looking in the same direction? It’s also moments of being that Jessica that my Nurses on 2 West remember, who is observant, polite, and constantly trying to make the best out of this situation, knowing we don’t know truly what the outcome could be. What I mean by this is more of a sense like are we finding the answers to questions we have been asking for so long about the shortness of breath and the pain.

Even though this is not exactly the place, I would like to be. I’m so grateful to be here at my home away from home, 2 West at UCSD. I walk in and I’m welcomed with open arms, with love and compassion, and even some laughter when we get a moment. They have kept me busy with catching up with each other, showing photos, and just giving life updates. Anyone who has been in a situation somewhat similar to this. They will tell you that this form of medicine ,the love,

 the laughter. The compassion in many ways works wonders on your mental health, which can correlate to your physical health. 

I’ve watched my body do amazing things to keep me alive, and sometimes it’s just mind-blowing how much it can handle. Even through the moments of frustration, anger, and even fear, I have this mindset that everything I have been through, every poke, surgery, even celebrations,this is exactly who I’m supposed to be. I have to believe that at the moment.

Thank you to every single person who reached out and said they are praying for me and a Wii k recovery and the ones who simply asked what can I do to help you. It is a beautiful thing to be surrounded by love. 

Goodbye 2025

2025

It was the year of growth and acceptance. After some rough situations emotionally and physically I feel like I still came out ahead in the end. 

It didn’t always feel like I would get there but I did. 

In 2025 we shed the stigma of mental heath. Not because It was cool and fun but because it was necessary to survive. My emotional well being was tested and it took the whole team to rally and come out on the other side alive and intact but we did it. 

We handled medication side effects. If it could happen,it did. It was also trial and error but it was necessary to figure out what exactly would benefit me. 

Modulators are a miracle, just not my miracle. I tried and failed. I almost took out a few things on my downward spiral but thankfully all is well. 

We let go of the things that held us down emotionally and physically. Saw the evil that looks in your eyes and tells you they love you but their actions and words are anything but love. We don’t need love disguised as manipulation. We need pure love with no conditions and restraints. And to put it simply some just cannot meet our needs and that’s okay. We just don’t pull a chair for them anymore at our table. We don’t sit at tables where we are the subject of manipulation and greed. We value love and communication, even when it’s hard. Always love those that meet you where you are at. 

We celebrated every chance we could. Big wins, little wins we ate that fuckin cake! (Sorry Mom)

We became tighter and more bonded through every tear and smile. Always together.

We saw growth from everyone. Some hit milestone birthdays, some got new freedoms with a drivers license and we even had a few sporting events to attend. We see progress in the little achievements some might take for granted. 

We are making memories in 2026. Get on the bus and let’s gooo

Happy 40th birthday Aaron

I may not be the best sister in the world, but don't for one second think I wouldn't burn this world and everyone in it for you!

I’d burn every motherfucker if it meant saving you. Giving you any thing you needed or even for your peace. 

I remember on one of our cruises we were young. Just kids. Babies really now looking back on everything. I was scared and I looked to you. I needed you and you were there. Taking over the situation and handling it like the big brother I needed in that moment. Just looking back on that I should have known that in that single action it sent off a reaction that would carry us to where we are now. You taking care of me when I need you the most. Stepping up to a job you never signed on for. It breaks my heart that we ever had to lace up our boots to go to war against something we could never win. And honestly the chances of us winning really depends on what you consider a win. 

It’s easy and in this moment to think back to why did this have to happen to me?To us? How did we get so unlucky to have a disease with no cure  come crashing into our lives. And in a matter of years things get so off track 

My Aaron. You are officially in your 40s. The older we get the better we get. That’s just facts. I can say with 100% certainty you are someone that others wish they had in their lives. Everyday you make me proud. You make us all proud. You are the big brother to so many. And little brother to everyone else. The son they wish they had or just someone in their corner that they appreciate and know for certain you have their back.  Iv seen you come along ways in 40 years. From bottles and toys to bigger toys and becoming exactly who you supposed to be. I got a front row seat and man is that an honor. I got to be your sidekick and still am. But I wouldn’t trade that for anything. 

Now you have a few different things happening in your life, they sit with us. They laugh with us. And they are loved by us. But the best part is seeing them with you being loved. Uncle Aaron is in high demand these days. Man does this fit you. You do so well. You are a comfort to them. You look at your niece but you are locked in to her eyes and her heart. You’re seeing her emotions. What’s important to her. What her school is doing. You care. It shows on her face when she hugs you. 

I don’t ever want their be a moment where you wonder, did my sister love me?  If you ever have to ask you that then I failed. 

And yes it broke my heart not being with you to celebrate. It was hard. Everything I wen’t through with transplant my motivation was always the things I would be a part of. The wedding. The house. The holidays and also the mile stone birthdays. So yah when I need to protect my health and that interferes with your 40th birthday I’m sure you can imagine the emotionally hard place it put me in. 

Aaron. when I look ahead and I see your fourties’ I see amazing things. the biggest thing is all the love you will be surrounded with. 

Be safe.