My people

 

I need to brag. 

I’m proud of who we are when we are together. The kids we started out as and the adults we have became. The challenges that faced us all and how we all stood there together conquering everything that came at us. 

  

Have you ever heard of the song my Rodney Atkins “these are my people

Their is a part in the song where it says 

“And these are my people, this is where I come from

We're givin' this life everything we got and then some

It ain't always pretty, but it's real

It's the way we were made, wouldn't have it any other way

These are my people

We fall down, and we get up

We walk proud, and we talk tough

We got heart, and we got nerve

Even if we are a bit disturbed”

These are my fuckin people. 

These people here bring me out of the darkness. 

The darkness that consumes me and makes me think this life isnt worth me living in it.

These fuckin people grab me by my arms and pull me up and out of that mindset by just loving me when I feel like I don’t deserve that love.

It’s not the words that prove to me that I’m worthy it’s the actions. It’s the thoughtfulness actions that tell me everything they never need to say. 

I’m sure they think it might go unnoticed but it never does. I see it all. I feel it all. 

That’s my problem right now, everything I feel I feel it 10x the amount it should. Good emotions and bad. 

But it’s the constant actions of my people that reminds me time after time that even when I can’t pick myself up. They have me. They will carry me to where I need to go and they hold no judgment. That always feels so heavy on my heart because they have carried me more then I have ever carried them. It feels one sided and that causes so much hate for myself. I ask myself why? why do they show up time over time when I have nothing to give them? Why? i don’t understand. But I know just because I don’t understand why it doesn’t matter to them, it doesn’t mean it matters to them. They love me. They want me with them and they make changes to make sure that I’m taken care of. Not many people understand how it takes a village with someone like me and my needs. Because I’m the great pretender, I can pretend all is well and smile and laugh like I have no cares in the world but inside I’m feeling the impending doom and it becomes louder and louder but the love they give me and show me in the big gestures and small ones are louder then the conversation in my head. 

So yes, this is us. My group of heathens who would fight the devil from dragging me down. 

Stuck in the middle

💜 I’m stuck in the middle of being disabled but still appearing as an able bodied individual.

💜I’m stuck in the middle of living a great life & why is my life so difficult.

💜 I’m stuck in the middle of trying to be productive in my day & too much will have an impact on tomorrow.

💜I’m stuck in the middle of depressed but still so full of joy. 

💜I’m stuck in the middle of planning for my future and still living like tomorrow isn’t promised. 

💜I’m stuck in the middle of complicated disease but great patient. 

💜I’m stuck in the middle of knowledgeable about CF/ transplant and not having a clue of why I feel the way I do, and goi ‘n what the heck?!

💜I’m stuck in the middle of being in pain and being in pain and not showing it so people don’t judge me. 

💜I’m stuck in the middle of being Jessica and Jessica with CF and a double lung transplant.

It’s been a month since…

My dearest Uncle Larry

It’s been one month since you have left earth and your earthly body. I’m not going to lie to you and tell you it’s been easy. It’s been hard on all of us. To sit in your house and you not be there is difficult. Much more difficult than I think we expected. It’s your home but know it’s starting to feel like a strangers house. 

We miss you and your sense of humor, the way you constantly showed up with something to give, and us teasing you about it. We would say “Mom’s going to be mad at you” and you would casually say oh well. Cleaning out your house has been therapeutic and also emotionally draining. The things you loved and what was important to you was so obvious. Your love for QVC really was obvious you loved your temptations and lock and lock. We cleaned things out together, usually laughing as we are trying not to cry seeing some of the things you had..usually you had multiple things. Why did you need 4 waffle makers? and about a dozen fans? But we enjoyed being at your home and I’m sorry we never got to have dinner like I told you we would but we ate at your table and I think that would make you happy. 

I know you are with Kenneth and it probably feels really good to be together after 24 years of being apart. I hope you tell him all about us and let him know everything that has been going on since he left. I hope you found Grandma and told her about us all down here and how her memory is still alive and strong. 

It’s hard to look back and think of how important you were/are to me and Aaron. How in so many ways you were our “Grandpa.” You were always so loving and kind and generous. You were mischievous and funny. Did I say generous? Well you were so generous I have to let everyone know 2x. 

I find a lot of comfort being at your house and it breaks my heart to know it won’t be available for me to go sit and reconnect with you whenever my heart and body need to be close to you. Instead I’ll have to find another way. 

When you were in the hospital I always told you how proud I was of you for fighting so hard. Cause you held on for a long time. I told you everyday how much we loved you and wanted to take you home. I let you know Aaron and I always loved you and never for a minute did we ever doubt your love for us. 

It brings me comfort to know when I get to heaven you will be pushing everyone out of the way to get to me first. I picture that first embrace and it eases the fear of going before everyone knowing you will be there waiting to introduce me to everyone who has been watching me. 

I know you’re with me still, I feel it in my heart and in my bones. The little reminders are perfect and always make me smile. I told you we would take care of Mom and we will always keep our word. She is the most important lady to us all. 

No matter where we go and what we do it will always feel like a piece of our hearts and our family isn’t with us. The impact you made in our life is so huge no one or nothing can patch that hole in our hearts. Thank you for loving us unconditionally and accepting all our chaos and craziness. We miss you, we will never stop missing you, and we will keep you in our hearts. 

 

Aloha  Bird Legs aka Jessica