Wednesday, March 16, 2016


 Perhaps my last blog was a little to "heavy" Im not going to apologize for that because i wrote what i felt and I'm always going to be honest on here...i mean this is my journey and its from my view.

Yes, i have Cf and all the aspects that come with it are usually overwhelming and sometimes its easy to only focus on that but sometimes i need to remember Iam more then CF.

Im just Jessica. 

Im sometimes shy or reserved, or sometimes I'm completely opposite. 

Im a Daughter
Who loves her mother, wants to make her proud and would love to end up as much like her as possible. Sometimes i think I'm so lucky to have a mother who is as amazing and supporting as she is. I don't know what i did right to have her on my side but I'm thankful 
I believe the most important man in a girls life will always be her father. My father is everything every girl out there wishes she had...and he is all mine. He is supportive and understanding and always always the kindest and most generous person i know. His heart is huge and he is compassionate to all. He is MY Daddy

Im a little Sister

If you know me you know the love for my brother is strong. I believe in him so much and even though he try's to deny it..he loves me. He is strong and level headed and he has been my protector for almost 30 years. He is talented in ways people dream of. I look forward to talking to him everyday and spending any time with him. He is my best friend. The wind beneath my wings

Im Dodi (Aunt in Hebrew)


One of the greatest things i hear is "Dodi" My babies call me Dodi...i love to be there Dodi. I spoil them and love them and play with them and really anything they wanted i would go out of my way to make sure they get it. I want to be important in there lives because i love them unconditionally.
(disclaimer-Im missing my littlest love Kash...but i love him just as much)

  Im a Friend

Despite my sometimes absence in life events and unpredictability that comes with living with CF, i do have friends! Amazing i know...but whats amazing to me is the love and support these people give me 
(discloser there are many more but my photos are limited- Hi Kasey, Sarah Justine Trevor Ryan and Brent and many others I'm sure)

Someone's better half

Personally id argue he is probably the better half...but i love this man and almost 10 years together and we are still going strong. Its not easy to love someone with CF and throw yourself it a whole different world filled with uncertainty and fear but it takes a good man to love you though it all

A mom

This is as close to a mom as i will ever get. But loving my fur-babies is easy. They are everything to me. Rosie Girl on my Right is our oldest. Boston Terrier and French bulldog mix and our newest is Buster on the right. They both have amazing personalties and are they light up my life.

It would be easy and sometimes it is to be sad about the things i go trough..but i live an amazing life filled with love and laughter and hope..what more could a girl want in her life?

Peace love and Hello kitty

Monday, March 14, 2016

I love you so much....

i haven't written in some time, and its not because i don't have anything to say...i always have something to say just ask anyone who knows me... i just sometimes can't publish what i write because i love you too much.

I can't sleep, i have these dreams where I'm drowning and i wake up covered in sweat and gasping for air...i don't tell you that cause i know you would be upset at the night terrors i have almost weekly and sometimes more often then that.

Sometimes to leave the house is hard, to bathe and get ready takes all my energy and so there are days when i lie to you and say i don't feel well when really i just don't feel like its worth it to work so hard to do something that so many can do so easily.

my depression is deep, but i love you so much i don't tell you. I don't tell you the thoughts that consume my mind. I don't tell you the hurt it feels to do something and realize that its possible i might not be able to do this again because maybe i will be to ill to do it or maybe i just won't be here. Moments when we are all together and i have to keep myself from crying because its a perfect moment and ill miss those when I'm gone.

I love you so much the thought of me being gone makes my eyes water and a lump in my throat. I couldn't imagine my life without you because i love you so much and i don't know how it will be when I'm not here to hug you and kiss you and just be mean and sassy to you like i always am.

I love you so much that even on the days when it feels dark and heavy i put my feet on the ground and i stand up. I take a deep breathe and put one foot in front of the other. I love you so damn much i do the relentless task of keeping myself alive...even if you don't see it...i do it.

love is deep between bonds us and makes us who we are, as a family and as individuals. love brings us together it gives us common ground and sometimes it gives us understanding of something that is much to complicated to explain and even understand. But i know you love me so much that you would give your last breath for me; and in reality every breathe i take i take it for you...because thats what love is to me. Thats what my love for you means.

i just love you so much and i hope you never forget it; not tomorrow or next friday or June 29th or any day.

and remember peace love and hello kitty

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

beautiful blood

 a post from last September 2014

That feeling when you feel the warmth in your lungs, you taste the taste of blood. The feeling of it rushing quickly into your lungs filling them and your coughing trying to get it out. You start to see your life flash before your eyes, i think oh god, not like this. blood spewing out of my mouth every cough i cough its more blood, beautiful bright blood the blood that gives you life is going to be the same blood that kills me. I start to think of the things i didn't do the words i didn't say. I start to plea with god "i know we have never been good friends, i know i have said some shitty things about you but please god not like this, not right now" I stop take a deep breath and i feel it again...more blood. I start to panic knowing that this is possible to bleed to death in a parking lot of a half ass decent restaurant. I glance up see the faces of my mom and dad and matt and realize they are thinking the same thing. Make it stop.
I close my eyes and think of the happy things and think to myself i can't keep doing i call and ambulance? Can we make it to a hospital? my hospital is 2 hours away...what if we don't make it in time?
I open my eyes and reason with myself...this isn't the end...breathe. After getting to the car it starts to slow. Such an awful feeling but relieved at the same time because i know its slowing and that means it might be over.
I try not to panic and ask to be token to a local ER. After sitting inside a room for over 3 hours they determine there isn't anything they can do, so i go home.
Even day and weeks after this passed I find myself dreaming this same nightmare and it feels so real. I awake and realize it was just reliving a bad moment...or was it real? I go to the bathroom and cough and spit...please please don't let it be blood I say to myself as my eyes are closed fearful of what I will find when I open them. The feeling of relief as I open so see nothing that looks like blood. But I'm awake and now worried. So Iay back in bed thinking about how it could of been different that night and how It could of went a completely different way if it didn't stop. I realize again how scary that night was and how lucky iam. As I'm drifting back into a light sleep it replays in my mind again and I go back to that same place, this time tho I don't wake up it happens all over again and I can't do anything but let it all play out in my head.
This happened for days and weeks after. I got little to no solid sleep and I found myself panicking at any chest pain or coughing that resembled that feeling of blood.

 It's been almost. Year since that evening and the nightmares are few and far between nowadays. I try not to let myself get to worked up but it still wakes me up in a cold sweat overtime i relive that night.
Im grateful its been a year since i have an episode like that but i also know it can come at any moment without notice.
so maybe the next time ill be a little more prepared but i honestly don't know how i could prepare myself for that experience.



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