Monday, March 5, 2018


Its been so long since i have blogged. ill give you a little update text-align: center * Since September through February 2018 I have spent every holiday in the hospital. * In November I had bad pain/vomiting that was actually caused from my gallbladder * After a 2 week Iv course I had to have a drain in my side to help with pain and nausea from the enlarged and enflamed gallbladder. * Still waiting for surgery to remove gallbladder and still have the drain in my side. * After my last hospital stay February, I developed bad ptsd from previous hospital stay where I coughed up large amounts of blood.text-align: center * Also anxiety and panic attacks at night and have a hard time sleeping.
So My health has been very delicate. Its been hard on the health front because it seemed like everything was happening all at once and it has even brought up the conversation of transplant. Transplant. That single word is word invokes so much emotion. It will turn my whole life upside down. No one will ever be the same. Someone has to die. Their lungs in my body. Complications. Pain. and Excitement. The possibilities that could suddenly be real and at my fingertips. To plan for a future again and to think long term. it would be a second chance at life and the ability to truly live and make as much as I can happen. But it comes at a cost. Literally and figuratively But thats putting the cart before the horse for 2 reasons. - Im not quite where I need to be evaluated health and number wise - I already was presented to the board and was denied And I honestly don't know if transplant is for me. I have moments where I think yes of course how could I leave and not see everyone I love so much. I think about all the things I still want to do and experience. Then there are times when I'm tired of the pain and hurt, the struggle and the tears. Sometimes I don't think I have much longer left in me. I can only be so brave. So tonight I found what I have been missing for some time. My appetite. My appetite for life and for food. I have been enjoying my food and its safe to say that my insides definitely don't look like the healthy woman I look like on the outside. I enjoyed an amazing dinner tonight, a late celebration of my birthday. As I'm at dinner with some of the most important people in my life I felt so many emotions come over me in waves. I see so much love for one little girl, the love and determination that can build bridges. Hope that I will be one of the lucky ones. Tonight was perfect and if it was my last night on earth then when I close my eyes tonight and start to sleep I will be the luckiest and happiest girl on this earth and thats something to celebrate.

Monday, December 5, 2016

My nights

I'm laying in bed trying to sleep. That seems to be how I spend my nights. Laying in bed listening to the oxygen machine hum and the faint sound of  the radio in the background. I try to close my eyes but then a coughing fit jolts me and sends me in a frenzy trying to catch my breath while trying not to throw up the large amounts of mucus that's spewing from my lungs coming out of my mouth. The tears streaming down my face as I try to tell myself that I'm okay. Take a breath and focus on lungs working pushing and pulling air into my weak and frail body. 

I lay awake trying to tell myself I can sleep. The night terrors aren't going to happen tonight. It's not common for them to happen day after day so tonight should be the night I have good dreams with good thoughts. 

I look at the clock and realize it's 3:03am. I got into bed at 1030 and tv turned off at 1am. It's been over 2 hours and I'm still awake. I wish my body and mind knew that tomorrow I had plans to leave the house before 4 in the afternoon, that Matt doesn't like when I sleep all day even though that's the time my body finally gives up and shuts down. It's like a fail safe switch that happens; it's my body saying okay enough, you will sleep now since we have kept you up all night with coughing and gaging and leg cramps and pain. So we will ruin your whole day and start again tomorrow night when you try to go to bed at a decent time. 


  So as I'm awake laying in bed trying to figure out why the hair always sticks to the soap and why conditioner is always the first to go but I ponder the big questions in life like why I never can find 2 matching socks especially if I'm in a hurry. I hope you all sleep well and get some rest. If you need me you know where I'll be. Contemplating the questions of the world and listening to everyone snore. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2016


 Perhaps my last blog was a little to "heavy" Im not going to apologize for that because i wrote what i felt and I'm always going to be honest on here...i mean this is my journey and its from my view.

Yes, i have Cf and all the aspects that come with it are usually overwhelming and sometimes its easy to only focus on that but sometimes i need to remember Iam more then CF.

Im just Jessica. 

Im sometimes shy or reserved, or sometimes I'm completely opposite. 

Im a Daughter
Who loves her mother, wants to make her proud and would love to end up as much like her as possible. Sometimes i think I'm so lucky to have a mother who is as amazing and supporting as she is. I don't know what i did right to have her on my side but I'm thankful 
I believe the most important man in a girls life will always be her father. My father is everything every girl out there wishes she had...and he is all mine. He is supportive and understanding and always always the kindest and most generous person i know. His heart is huge and he is compassionate to all. He is MY Daddy

Im a little Sister

If you know me you know the love for my brother is strong. I believe in him so much and even though he try's to deny it..he loves me. He is strong and level headed and he has been my protector for almost 30 years. He is talented in ways people dream of. I look forward to talking to him everyday and spending any time with him. He is my best friend. The wind beneath my wings

Im Dodi (Aunt in Hebrew)


One of the greatest things i hear is "Dodi" My babies call me Dodi...i love to be there Dodi. I spoil them and love them and play with them and really anything they wanted i would go out of my way to make sure they get it. I want to be important in there lives because i love them unconditionally.
(disclaimer-Im missing my littlest love Kash...but i love him just as much)

  Im a Friend

Despite my sometimes absence in life events and unpredictability that comes with living with CF, i do have friends! Amazing i know...but whats amazing to me is the love and support these people give me 
(discloser there are many more but my photos are limited- Hi Kasey, Sarah Justine Trevor Ryan and Brent and many others I'm sure)

Someone's better half

Personally id argue he is probably the better half...but i love this man and almost 10 years together and we are still going strong. Its not easy to love someone with CF and throw yourself it a whole different world filled with uncertainty and fear but it takes a good man to love you though it all

A mom

This is as close to a mom as i will ever get. But loving my fur-babies is easy. They are everything to me. Rosie Girl on my Right is our oldest. Boston Terrier and French bulldog mix and our newest is Buster on the right. They both have amazing personalties and are they light up my life.

It would be easy and sometimes it is to be sad about the things i go trough..but i live an amazing life filled with love and laughter and hope..what more could a girl want in her life?

Peace love and Hello kitty

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