Saturday, October 29, 2011

I'm afraid. Or not, your choice.

Isn't it crazy the life we live rather it's with a disease or a limation the people and the things you experience in the long and difficult road were forced to travel at times make it all worth while. Im not one of the rainbow and sunshine cfers it never has worked out well for me my attitude has been make the best of what you got and it's okay to have days where you throw your arms in the air and cry and scream and say things that shouldnt be repeated. Yes I have those days I think everyone does it's just some are more open with those days. Man I have been MIA for so long it's weird to blog. I have recently watched the power of two the amazing story of the twins who have cf and have had a total of 3 transplants between them. (not 3 lungs per had 1 double transplant and the other had 2 double transplant) I got the chance to interact with them this year at CFRI abd I will be the first to say they are amazing and inspiring in so many ways. I'm impressed in so many ways. I know alot about others but I'm not always outgoing as I appear to be on this blog I can be shy mostly depending on my mood and the person. I'm unique in so many ways not just cause the cf but cause I realize im just born to stand out. I wanna be different and trust me you won't find another like me. Haha plus I'm funny.

I never thought I wanted a transplant and there are still moments I'm not sure that's the choice that's best for me. I doubt my strength and my determination but mostly I just feel like I have accomplished alot in a little time. I have friends who tell me they would beat the shit out of me If I chose to be done...and I usually smile but inside im screaming it's not your choice. Im the one struggling to breath and frankly It's not there body but I know that comes from love and I appreciate someone telling me they want me around. My friends and family are the most important thing to me. More important then anything and everything and the thought of not being there for them is heart breaking. I asked once to find my true meaning in my life and as I was watching the movie I realize whatever the purpose is I'll find it in time but I know I should take comfort in just simply being here surrounded by the ones I love and the ones who love me

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Peace love and hello kitty

I think in life we all want the basic things happiness love and companionship. This is just my opinion and even though I think myself at times am insightful believe it or not there are others who disagree. Madness, I know. Haha

I find myself happiest when im surrounded by others especially when they are happy. I enjoy the small talk and the mindless chatter about anything. I enjoy others. But I do enjoy my alone time...just not at night. In the night the depression takes my hand and it pulls me deep into the dark.

I see this disease drive others to do great things in there life, they take the negativity and darkness of CF and turn it into something beautiful. Hope.

With good comes bad we all know how this world works

I miss my friend Megan terribly. I also miss Brandy and my babies they moved and left me behind :( I cry for them constantly and I'm finding it difficult to let them go and not miss them to the point it hurts. My tt started first grade and I won't be there, it breaks my heart. I miss them.

Tonight is one of those nights; my stomach hurts my body aches I can't find a position where my lungs arent in pain and to put it quite frankly im just fed up. The numbing head ache doesn't help my mood.

I'm waiting for my moment where I finally find the purpose of my existence. Sounds heavy huh? I feel like I'm floating by in life not making waves or not even being noticed. I struggle seeing what others have accomplished in comparison to me.

It's a struggle to stay healthy let alone find my purpose and accomplish whatever that is. Give a girl a break. Geesh

I know I have been Mia for a long time my apologizes but really I have so much to share it can just be hard to separate good things from bad right now they just all feel like a blur all entwined into one mess.

Good news is coming tho I promise and thank you for sticking around and show me some love I always love the love from others also throw in some good vibes they never hurt anyone

Peace love and hello kitty

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