Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Grab a tissue mama

And I'm sure the view from heaven
Beats the hell out of mine here
And if we all believe in heaven
Maybe we'll make it through one more year
Down here

When I have a bad night this song hits me hard. Makes me remember so many that have gone before me. I miss them everyday and sometimes i get so tired of the hurt and pain. Not just for me but others around me that feel it to. 

There are nights like tonight where I keep thinking of there faces and I miss there friendships. I miss having people close to me that understands what I'm feeling but I can't bring myself to get to know more friends with cf because the pain of them passing just kills my soul. I'm accepting the fact I'll never have friends like that again and I grieve for them.

Megan my beautiful friend was so thoughtful and full of love. She loved her family and her god babies. She had a real love and passion for life especially after her transplant. I feel like in that short time she lived life fully and completely. I often think of our conversations about a cure and dancing. Megan was someone I trusted and knew I could ask her anything and she would answer honestly and truthfully. 

Maggie was a spit fire. Had the attitude that I admired. Brave and independent. Strong willed too. I remember so vividly her sweet 16 and I kick myself for not staying longer to visit with her, she was with her friends and I felt she should enjoy her day and not have to pay to much attention to me. Let her focus on her day. When Maggie passed I was numb. I didn't cry I told myself I wouldn't cry. At her funeral it was all to real. I remember going to seeing her and she looked beautiful and peaceful. At rest after a long fight. When they closed the casket I lost it. In the one moment it all was so real. The tears never stopped flowing and I have never cried so much in my life.  I felt depression over coming my body and mind and spirit. Maggie was my first real friend with cf to pass and it was something I carry with me to this very day. Maggie is my first angel. And she has guided me a few times and I'm forever grateful to call her my friend and my angel. 

Stephanie. The girl who stole my heart. 17 years old. We met though a friend who gave her my number to text just to have a friend who was older. And even though I was close to 10 years older then her she wS the one who helped me. She gave me courage and strength and she gave me a friendship I always wanted. She was my little Cyster. I worried about her. I would do things just to make her happy. I would send her box full of stuff during her hospital stay because I wanted to see that smile even when she was struggling she always had a smile. A passion for her family her niece and her boyfriend who was the love of her life. My regret Is I never said goodbye. I couldn't see this girl who I admired and loved like that. My own selfish reasons.  

Cf is unfair it's cruel and it ruins lives. 
  I miss having cf friends but the pain is to much to bear. When they pass a piece of my heart goes with them. 

Tonight is a night where hopefully  I'll dream of them running and having fun and I hope when we meet I can finally have my friends back. 

Love love love 

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