Sometimes I have so many thoughts they jumble together and I scramble to seperate them.
I realize now in this moment more then I ever have how so much depends on my health. The one thing I cannot control.
I realize no matter how many days you stay with me you will never truely know CF and what it does to my physical and emotional being. The things that I think of and that happen are unexplainable to you and no matter how hard I try you will never know. & even though it's not your fault I will resent you at some point for your ability to stay healthy or your stamina and even for the way you just don't care the way I care. You will never have the black cloud over your head the stress of a bad cough and a loss of a fellow comrade. You will never know what it's like to have a holiday approach abd not know of it would be your last.
I see so many moments where life is bleak and I think to myself why? Why me? Why my family?Why does it have to be so long and painful. Why do I have to look so healthy but feel so awful. Why continue another day?
I'm awake thinking these thoughts and I feel such hate twoards these thoughts but they still come one after the other like a train of misfortune.
Iam weak today. My thoughts are weak my spirits are weak. I have no desire to awake to another day like today. Im weak today but tomorrow I'll be stronger. Im a fighter..Always what i have been and all i know how to do.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
10 years of advice for me
A letter to myself when I was 15
Remember when you thought 25 would never happen ? It did and it's not to awful but take it from me that boy you think you love isn't for you. You will learn there are many forms of love and this isn't true love forever and always; that happens just not now.
Friends aren't forever you will learn this very well more then once. People come and go and as hard as it is to watch them walk away it's not your decision. Being a friend isn't the easiest part but you make it through and find you're friends in the most important people. Your family.
Words. you become very well at times with words and other times you speak when you should have been quiet. Remember words can't be taken back once they are said they are forever out there ;words hurt. You know this and to this day at 25 it's something you will be working on
Your family will shift...people will become more involved and others will drift into the back ground and no matter what you do you can't get that back. Enjoy it while you can get those hugs in and the I love yous in because time isn't promised to anyone and it's hard to see people leave.
Never regret the relationships you had weather it's friends or boyfriends they lead you to a good spot. The memories are what keeps you strong on the bad days. And yes you will have bad days. Some are pretty bad but no matter what happens on those days you make it through i promise.
You will go through a stage where you want to be normal. But you will learn trying to be normal is only making you realize how abnormal you really are. Your health isn't what defines you but it's a huge part of who you are as a woman. Without your health you are nothing
Someday you will meet a boy who steals you're heart and you fall madly in love. Young love at its best. He's your best friend and even though there are some rough sports he has your heart and will forever be the love of your life. Forever and a day
Really though have fun be smart and always follow your gut. People are sometimes good. You learn to love the people who are in your life and you miss the ones like hell who left.
I'll end with some useless knowledge. It is what it is. Exactly that. The things in your life that happen are just moments that lead you to a beautiful life with love and laughing and really is beautiful. Hold on cause your in for a ride
Remember when you thought 25 would never happen ? It did and it's not to awful but take it from me that boy you think you love isn't for you. You will learn there are many forms of love and this isn't true love forever and always; that happens just not now.
Friends aren't forever you will learn this very well more then once. People come and go and as hard as it is to watch them walk away it's not your decision. Being a friend isn't the easiest part but you make it through and find you're friends in the most important people. Your family.
Words. you become very well at times with words and other times you speak when you should have been quiet. Remember words can't be taken back once they are said they are forever out there ;words hurt. You know this and to this day at 25 it's something you will be working on
Your family will shift...people will become more involved and others will drift into the back ground and no matter what you do you can't get that back. Enjoy it while you can get those hugs in and the I love yous in because time isn't promised to anyone and it's hard to see people leave.
Never regret the relationships you had weather it's friends or boyfriends they lead you to a good spot. The memories are what keeps you strong on the bad days. And yes you will have bad days. Some are pretty bad but no matter what happens on those days you make it through i promise.
You will go through a stage where you want to be normal. But you will learn trying to be normal is only making you realize how abnormal you really are. Your health isn't what defines you but it's a huge part of who you are as a woman. Without your health you are nothing
Someday you will meet a boy who steals you're heart and you fall madly in love. Young love at its best. He's your best friend and even though there are some rough sports he has your heart and will forever be the love of your life. Forever and a day
Really though have fun be smart and always follow your gut. People are sometimes good. You learn to love the people who are in your life and you miss the ones like hell who left.
I'll end with some useless knowledge. It is what it is. Exactly that. The things in your life that happen are just moments that lead you to a beautiful life with love and laughing and really is beautiful. Hold on cause your in for a ride
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Only the good die young
I wrote this on the one year anniversary of my friends passing. I just am now posting it.
After being diagnosed with Cf after I was 10 I never imagined I'd live to be 25. I thought I would graduate high school have a couple years and move along. As morbid as that sounds I was okay with that. I knew the future is never promised to anyone and why would I be the lucky one? After I turned 22 I realized someone and I were not on the same plan. And at 25 I'm realizing I think I might be in this for the long haul. But you don't know my burden of this disease physically and emotionally . To see things and your mind goes to the worse...those thoughts are my burden but in reality it's exactly that. Real. I remember sitting one day with my mom looking at cars and I always felt like when I left and moved on my car would be something to treasure and I could see my parents holding tight to this one thing that was truely and really mine. And I turned to my mom and said..."when I die make sure so and so gets my jewelry armoire (I'm not telling you who so they can be Suprised) see that was morbid but I laughed as I wrote it like when I die I want my things auctioned off like guess what you got!!!!! Your the proud winner of (fill in the blank) and the people I don't like will get something stupid like a shoe. Just a single shoe. One. Haha seriously I'm on a good one tonight. But I'll leave on a more serious note
Dear Megan
1 year! How is that possible. I miss you and I wish you were here to talk to me sometimes I think your the only one who got my humor. I wish I knew what heaven was like. I kinda wish you could put a good word in for me and maybe I'll meet up with you. I mean If you like it it couldn't be that bad. Know you are loved and missed I smile every time a lady gaga song comes on but part of my heart breaks at that same moment. You were gone to soon...it's like the song says only the good die young. Miss you xoxox Jess
After being diagnosed with Cf after I was 10 I never imagined I'd live to be 25. I thought I would graduate high school have a couple years and move along. As morbid as that sounds I was okay with that. I knew the future is never promised to anyone and why would I be the lucky one? After I turned 22 I realized someone and I were not on the same plan. And at 25 I'm realizing I think I might be in this for the long haul. But you don't know my burden of this disease physically and emotionally . To see things and your mind goes to the worse...those thoughts are my burden but in reality it's exactly that. Real. I remember sitting one day with my mom looking at cars and I always felt like when I left and moved on my car would be something to treasure and I could see my parents holding tight to this one thing that was truely and really mine. And I turned to my mom and said..."when I die make sure so and so gets my jewelry armoire (I'm not telling you who so they can be Suprised) see that was morbid but I laughed as I wrote it like when I die I want my things auctioned off like guess what you got!!!!! Your the proud winner of (fill in the blank) and the people I don't like will get something stupid like a shoe. Just a single shoe. One. Haha seriously I'm on a good one tonight. But I'll leave on a more serious note
Dear Megan
1 year! How is that possible. I miss you and I wish you were here to talk to me sometimes I think your the only one who got my humor. I wish I knew what heaven was like. I kinda wish you could put a good word in for me and maybe I'll meet up with you. I mean If you like it it couldn't be that bad. Know you are loved and missed I smile every time a lady gaga song comes on but part of my heart breaks at that same moment. You were gone to soon...it's like the song says only the good die young. Miss you xoxox Jess
