so thankful

Dear God,

Thank you. I never thought i would be so grateful for you but you continue to amaze me and bless me in so many ways. You saved my life when you didn’t have to and ill forever be grateful to you and my donor family and i pray every day they have peace knowing they helped someone continue there life and become more then a person bed ridden with disease and depression. I have bloomed into a real person, I know that sounds dramatic but i have real life problems now and I’m forever so blessed to experience a second chance at life.

what I’m really thanking you for is saving my brother and Krystal. The accident they were in could have easily taken them away but instead you watched over them and they walked away. They walked away from a horrific crash and i know i have you to thank. If you would have taken then from me, we wouldn’t be friends and i would never let you off the hook for taking my best friends but you are a kind god, a merciful god and saved them. I’m forever in your debt. See loosing them means i would loose so much of my heart I don’t think i could survive with so much of my heart in heaven. So again you saved me. Maybe you knew that those 2 souls were destined for great things and there love would leave a ginormous place in so many hearts but whatever and why I’m grateful for you kind heart towards my family that terrible night. A million thanks and also i wont forgot, i promise

happy day to my big brother

Happy birthday Aaron

Today you are 36, 36 years of being you. Strangely unique and confident. Kind and big hearted and strong willed and the best protector and strong family leader. I’m so proud of you everyday the way you love others and are kind to all you meet. I never met anyone who didn’t instantly love you and adore you. It’s your burden to be the popular one and the reliable one. 

Going through transplant made us closer. Mostly cause I let you boss me around but it’s all out of love. The way you look at me with those devilish sweet eyes showing so much love and concern for me. Together we made it through the hardest of times and still to this day 19 months later you are still my biggest supporter and cheerleader. I did a lot of what I went through for you. I couldn’t imagine not having you around to annoy me. Make me laugh and protect me. You always were so concerned and listened and did everything the doctors wanted and kept me accountable and still do to this very day. I don’t know when you grew to become this protector or me or the family but it sits well with you and looks good on you. 

I know sometimes the weight of it all is heavy on your shoulders. But you handle it like a bad ass. I’m so proud of you chubs and here’s to another year of you being the bad ass, the pirate and straight gangster of the family. 

 

 You are the wind beneath my wings and give me so much strength I feel like together we could concur some crazy shit….oh wait we already did. 

Dear Friends

Friends I need to get this off my chest, the weight I'm carrying around is to heavy for my heart and soul...

Maggie, Megan, Stephanie and Melissa and Maria, you deserved better and it breaks my heart you didn't get to experience what I feel right now. Its survivors guilt to the extreme. I have been blue these past few weeks and I didn't realize what I was experiencing. Everyone of you have a special song that takes me back to the day you passed away and I constantly hear them and are reminded of the terrible loss.

 Maggie-View fron heaven- Yellowcard
 Megan- Lady Gaga- poker face
 Stephanie- If I die young -The Band Perry
 Melissa- See you again-Wiz Khalifa 
 Maria - Sunflower Post Malone & Swae Lee

This is a new struggle for me and I'm at a loss at how to turn things around. I miss you guys so much and it doesn't seem fair. Im doing so well and thriving for the first time in my life and I just wish this was all a different ending for you girls... You deserved better. Please know your in my heart and I think of you guys every single day and it brings me joy to think of you all in heaven looking down on me and watching over me, blessing me with the best guardian angles. Maybe you all have met and instantly became friends because of your love for me. I can find joy in knowing your together, happy and healthy and for the first time in a long time even though the hurt is strong, I don't long to be with you quite yet, I still feel like I have a lot of living left and now I have a donor I need to make proud. Maybe when its my time you all will be at heavens gates to welcome me and that brings me joy knowing no matter where I go and what I do I will never be alone.

Ill leave you girls with happy moments.

Maggie- your sweet 16 was beautiful and such a joy to be apart of that monumental occasion. your independence was something I never saw in another person and your will to live and live the life you wanted was amazing and something you held strong onto even towards the end.

Megan- Constantly talking to you and watching you live your life after getting lungs, sending you a care package before your Lady gaga concert. your love for you sisters and the lord was in everything you did and it showed.

Stephanie- my little sister who I really got to spoil and send some amazing care packages and the smile on your face was worth it all and id send you a million more packages just to see that smile. Being you big sister is the biggest joy of my life, I hope you know life never was the same without you in it,

Melissa- My little Pinky...Meeting you when you were so tiny and getting to watch you grow to be strong and independent and just a force of energy. Gifting you your computer when you were really sick and driving to the hospital and seeing that smile through a mask was the best Christmas present ever.

Maria- My sunflower. My gangster cyster, your strength to get through all you had was amazing and so inspirational. Your love for your son and how you were an amazing mentor for me when I started the transplant process I could talk to you about my fears and concerns and you were always right with me. When you passed I cried and cried. thankfully 2 west was there to support me and I'm sorry I couldn't make it to your funeral but you know I tried but being in the hospital was where you would have wanted me to be.

Life isn't as bright with out you girls in it but after receiving my lungs I'm trying to find that color in different ways, maybe it isn't meant to be as bright but I'm grateful for the light you did bring into my heart. I love you ladies and I hope to make you proud just living a life you should of all had the chance at.

sincerely your friend
 Jessica