little girl...big disease

Sometimes I lie so much I forget the truth. It scares me at how talented I'm becoming at tricking everyone to believe I'm okay. My doctor said its normal with the progression of my Cf to have good and bad days but lately its just bad days and even worse days. Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy like cutting my bangs...wtf. Certain days I feel like I'm loosing myself to this disease not only physically but mentally too. Its easy to get overwhelmed with this disease I'm just a little girl with a huge disease that demands alot of my attention...its easy for people looking in to not understand what it's like but truthfully I'd never ask anyone to spend a day being me all I ask for is compassion and to understand the things they can't see...and maybe a hug...you can never have to many of those

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you did what!?

So this morning i wasn't feeling quite like myself but thought nothing of it....shook it off and kept going on my merrily way.

Fixed my hair and noticed my hair is becoming a pain in my booty and thought i should trim my bangs...looked at the scissors in the drawer and then the next thing i knew

i cut my own bangs...

first let me state i have no cosmetology training what so ever and when i looked up i had cut a chunk of my bangs off...i shrugged and kept getting ready. As the chunk of uneven bangs are just chilling on the side of my face i pin them up and keep truckin along.

As i left the house it hit me...HOLY COW i cut my own bangs...what a dumb ass. I knew better. I swear i don't remember cutting them i remember looking at the scissors and then BAM it happened.

See my point to this story is don't cut your hair when you have had no experience and also to find out my blood sugar was high...maybe i can blame the ugly bangs on the diabetes.....sounds like a plan to me. CFRD you won this round

Are you there Atavan? Its Me. Jessica

Atavan...i have high hopes for you.

Anxiety is a major issue with me right at the moment. I'm hoping with some drugs i can overcome the panic feeling in my chest and the need to remind myself to breathe.

I have been busy. Mostly by my design and it has been working.

Remember when i said Matthew and I are acting mature!? well i might of spoke to soon. I may or may not have sent him mean text messages...at this point I'm not ready to disclose the culprit. maybe that's another side of anxiety...hostility?

I had another CF check up in LA today so my best friend and I made the long haul and it was a good appointment...I'm possibly going to start IV's in 2 weeks if I'm not kicking this little cold i have.

This little doll is Emily! She made the trip with Brandy and I to the doctors...she didn't mind the appointment and saw Auntie Jess talk to all the doctors. She is a sweetie pie.

I'm feeling good days and bad days as usual but was confirmed that that's a sign of the disease progressing.

with love to all and i hope to be back into the blogging mood soon.