My nights

I'm laying in bed trying to sleep. That seems to be how I spend my nights. Laying in bed listening to the oxygen machine hum and the faint sound of  the radio in the background. I try to close my eyes but then a coughing fit jolts me and sends me in a frenzy trying to catch my breath while trying not to throw up the large amounts of mucus that's spewing from my lungs coming out of my mouth. The tears streaming down my face as I try to tell myself that I'm okay. Take a breath and focus on lungs working pushing and pulling air into my weak and frail body. 

I lay awake trying to tell myself I can sleep. The night terrors aren't going to happen tonight. It's not common for them to happen day after day so tonight should be the night I have good dreams with good thoughts. 

I look at the clock and realize it's 3:03am. I got into bed at 1030 and tv turned off at 1am. It's been over 2 hours and I'm still awake. I wish my body and mind knew that tomorrow I had plans to leave the house before 4 in the afternoon, that Matt doesn't like when I sleep all day even though that's the time my body finally gives up and shuts down. It's like a fail safe switch that happens; it's my body saying okay enough, you will sleep now since we have kept you up all night with coughing and gaging and leg cramps and pain. So we will ruin your whole day and start again tomorrow night when you try to go to bed at a decent time. 

  

  So as I'm awake laying in bed trying to figure out why the hair always sticks to the soap and why conditioner is always the first to go but I ponder the big questions in life like why I never can find 2 matching socks especially if I'm in a hurry. I hope you all sleep well and get some rest. If you need me you know where I'll be. Contemplating the questions of the world and listening to everyone snore. 

perhaps

 Perhaps my last blog was a little to "heavy" Im not going to apologize for that because i wrote what i felt and I'm always going to be honest on here...i mean this is my journey and its from my view.

Yes, i have Cf and all the aspects that come with it are usually overwhelming and sometimes its easy to only focus on that but sometimes i need to remember Iam more then CF.

Im just Jessica. 

Im sometimes shy or reserved, or sometimes I'm completely opposite. 

Im a Daughter

Who loves her mother, wants to make her proud and would love to end up as much like her as possible. Sometimes i think I'm so lucky to have a mother who is as amazing and supporting as she is. I don't know what i did right to have her on my side but I'm thankful 

I believe the most important man in a girls life will always be her father. My father is everything every girl out there wishes she had...and he is all mine. He is supportive and understanding and always always the kindest and most generous person i know. His heart is huge and he is compassionate to all. He is MY Daddy

Im a little Sister

If you know me you know the love for my brother is strong. I believe in him so much and even though he try's to deny it..he loves me. He is strong and level headed and he has been my protector for almost 30 years. He is talented in ways people dream of. I look forward to talking to him everyday and spending any time with him. He is my best friend. The wind beneath my wings

Im Dodi (Aunt in Hebrew)

                           

One of the greatest things i hear is "Dodi" My babies call me Dodi...i love to be there Dodi. I spoil them and love them and play with them and really anything they wanted i would go out of my way to make sure they get it. I want to be important in there lives because i love them unconditionally.

(disclaimer-Im missing my littlest love Kash...but i love him just as much)

  Im a Friend

Despite my sometimes absence in life events and unpredictability that comes with living with CF, i do have friends! Amazing i know...but whats amazing to me is the love and support these people give me 

(discloser there are many more but my photos are limited- Hi Kasey, Sarah Justine Trevor Ryan and Brent and many others I'm sure)

Someone's better half

Personally id argue he is probably the better half...but i love this man and almost 10 years together and we are still going strong. Its not easy to love someone with CF and throw yourself it a whole different world filled with uncertainty and fear but it takes a good man to love you though it all

A mom

This is as close to a mom as i will ever get. But loving my fur-babies is easy. They are everything to me. Rosie Girl on my Right is our oldest. Boston Terrier and French bulldog mix and our newest is Buster on the right. They both have amazing personalties and are they light up my life.

It would be easy and sometimes it is to be sad about the things i go trough..but i live an amazing life filled with love and laughter and hope..what more could a girl want in her life?

Peace love and Hello kitty

I love you so much....

i haven't written in some time, and its not because i don't have anything to say...i always have something to say just ask anyone who knows me... i just sometimes can't publish what i write because i love you too much.

I can't sleep, i have these dreams where I'm drowning and i wake up covered in sweat and gasping for air...i don't tell you that cause i know you would be upset at the night terrors i have almost weekly and sometimes more often then that.

Sometimes to leave the house is hard, to bathe and get ready takes all my energy and so there are days when i lie to you and say i don't feel well when really i just don't feel like its worth it to work so hard to do something that so many can do so easily.

my depression is deep, but i love you so much i don't tell you. I don't tell you the thoughts that consume my mind. I don't tell you the hurt it feels to do something and realize that its possible i might not be able to do this again because maybe i will be to ill to do it or maybe i just won't be here. Moments when we are all together and i have to keep myself from crying because its a perfect moment and ill miss those when I'm gone.

I love you so much the thought of me being gone makes my eyes water and a lump in my throat. I couldn't imagine my life without you because i love you so much and i don't know how it will be when I'm not here to hug you and kiss you and just be mean and sassy to you like i always am.

I love you so much that even on the days when it feels dark and heavy i put my feet on the ground and i stand up. I take a deep breathe and put one foot in front of the other. I love you so damn much i do the relentless task of keeping myself alive...even if you don't see it...i do it.

love is deep between us...it bonds us and makes us who we are, as a family and as individuals. love brings us together it gives us common ground and sometimes it gives us understanding of something that is much to complicated to explain and even understand. But i know you love me so much that you would give your last breath for me; and in reality every breathe i take i take it for you...because thats what love is to me. Thats what my love for you means.

i just love you so much and i hope you never forget it; not tomorrow or next friday or June 29th or any day.

and remember peace love and hello kitty
    xoxox