I love you so much....

i haven't written in some time, and its not because i don't have anything to say...i always have something to say just ask anyone who knows me... i just sometimes can't publish what i write because i love you too much.

I can't sleep, i have these dreams where I'm drowning and i wake up covered in sweat and gasping for air...i don't tell you that cause i know you would be upset at the night terrors i have almost weekly and sometimes more often then that.

Sometimes to leave the house is hard, to bathe and get ready takes all my energy and so there are days when i lie to you and say i don't feel well when really i just don't feel like its worth it to work so hard to do something that so many can do so easily.

my depression is deep, but i love you so much i don't tell you. I don't tell you the thoughts that consume my mind. I don't tell you the hurt it feels to do something and realize that its possible i might not be able to do this again because maybe i will be to ill to do it or maybe i just won't be here. Moments when we are all together and i have to keep myself from crying because its a perfect moment and ill miss those when I'm gone.

I love you so much the thought of me being gone makes my eyes water and a lump in my throat. I couldn't imagine my life without you because i love you so much and i don't know how it will be when I'm not here to hug you and kiss you and just be mean and sassy to you like i always am.

I love you so much that even on the days when it feels dark and heavy i put my feet on the ground and i stand up. I take a deep breathe and put one foot in front of the other. I love you so damn much i do the relentless task of keeping myself alive...even if you don't see it...i do it.

love is deep between us...it bonds us and makes us who we are, as a family and as individuals. love brings us together it gives us common ground and sometimes it gives us understanding of something that is much to complicated to explain and even understand. But i know you love me so much that you would give your last breath for me; and in reality every breathe i take i take it for you...because thats what love is to me. Thats what my love for you means.

i just love you so much and i hope you never forget it; not tomorrow or next friday or June 29th or any day.

and remember peace love and hello kitty
    xoxox