its not easy

after spending almost 3 weeks in the hospital I'm adjusting to home life much better and I'm not quite sure why, but ill take it. I have bad anxiety at home, I panic. The hospital is a safe place. I know if I need major life saving efforts I'm in the right place, but when I'm in the hospital I long to be at home. Its a challenge. Cystic fibrosis is a challenge. One week its go go go on the transplant talk and testing and the following your being discharged. its scary. I have an issue with hemoptysis when I get these exacerbations, this time after getting transplant involved we located the general area where the bleeding was and was moved to ICU to be closely monitored. Thankfully the hemoptysis resolved on its own without any intervention. But the concern of the transplant team was that I would get a bad bleed and bleed out...thats where transplant comes in and is the back up plan. As of now I'm not sure where I stand on the transplant list evaluation, but I know I'm thankful to sleep in a normal bed without the comforting sounds of the hospital in the back ground. Im managing and taking it day by day as I get flash backs of the bleeding and the feeling and it scares me and sends me in a panic and I become anxious. So day by day I work through the emotions of everything and how fast life went from okay to transplant. I also know that chances are I will go back to that place eventually and I just want to enjoy my good days and even my bad days I try to find the good in those too. its just not always easy. but life with cf isn't easy. thankfully I'm realizing how strong I can be.