today

Survivors guilt is real. Today I felt it’s presence around me all day like a cloud of gloom. Sitting at the hair salon listening to all these woman chatter and talk yet I couldn’t understand a single word they were saying. It was like in the Charlie Brown cartoon. Sitting in my chair I never felt so alone. I wanted to scream just because there was apart of me that felt like it wasn’t all real and maybe it was just something I was imagining. He is gone. She is gone. Two right after each other is almost unbearable, but making their death seem anything less then tragic is not fair. Both wanted to live, both fought hard and won the battle and their victory is peace and comfort for the first time. I often wonder if I’m that strong to continue fighting for so long knowing how strong and brave they were. I guess the only comfort I have is I have lasted this long.

Dear Aaron

Dear Aaron Today is your 33rd birthday. That’s 33 years on this earth you have been kicking ass and taking names. You taught me well big brother. I know you probably won’t read this and that’s okay, i hope you already know all this. Having an older brother is having a best friend all the time. Totally hallmark, I know...but they speak the truth. Your unwavering support has been nothing short of amazing and sometimes when I get to my lowest lows I think of you and how you wouldn’t have a sister anymore and how that would affect you. I think of what I would do without you and my eyes begin to fill with tears because my love for you is unlike any other. Your support in this new journey is something I can’t put into words but your actions and body language tells me enough. I don’t love anyone the way I love you. Your always by my side. Ever since we were babies it’s been me and you. Aaron and Jessica. You have grown to be strong and smart. Independent but still remain humble. Something I think many people could be more like you in that sense. Your love for your family is evident on your skin and in your heart. You my dear are a pure and gentle soul. I don’t worry about you in the sense you are destined for great things. Your skills in everything you touch is amazing and like I say one of us is smart (you) and one of us has the good looks (me). I joke with you about being fat and you constantly bug me about me being to skinny and not eating. You have this sweet devilish look in your eyes that tells me you care but you can’t say it and honestly you don’t need to. I know. We all know. Your the a strong man just like daddy in every way and I think that’s something you should be proud of, cause you know I’m proud of you. We all are. So on your birthday we celebrate you in every way. Happy birthday to my chubs