today

Survivors guilt is real. Today I felt it’s presence around me all day like a cloud of gloom. Sitting at the hair salon listening to all these woman chatter and talk yet I couldn’t understand a single word they were saying. It was like in the Charlie Brown cartoon. Sitting in my chair I never felt so alone. I wanted to scream just because there was apart of me that felt like it wasn’t all real and maybe it was just something I was imagining. He is gone. She is gone. Two right after each other is almost unbearable, but making their death seem anything less then tragic is not fair. Both wanted to live, both fought hard and won the battle and their victory is peace and comfort for the first time. I often wonder if I’m that strong to continue fighting for so long knowing how strong and brave they were. I guess the only comfort I have is I have lasted this long.