I need to brag.
I’m proud of who we are when we are together. The kids we started out as and the adults we have became. The challenges that faced us all and how we all stood there together conquering everything that came at us.
Have you ever heard of the song my Rodney Atkins “these are my people
Their is a part in the song where it says
“And these are my people, this is where I come from
We're givin' this life everything we got and then some
It ain't always pretty, but it's real
It's the way we were made, wouldn't have it any other way
These are my people
We fall down, and we get up
We walk proud, and we talk tough
We got heart, and we got nerve
Even if we are a bit disturbed”
These are my fuckin people.
These people here bring me out of the darkness.
The darkness that consumes me and makes me think this life isnt worth me living in it.
These fuckin people grab me by my arms and pull me up and out of that mindset by just loving me when I feel like I don’t deserve that love.
It’s not the words that prove to me that I’m worthy it’s the actions. It’s the thoughtfulness actions that tell me everything they never need to say.
I’m sure they think it might go unnoticed but it never does. I see it all. I feel it all.
That’s my problem right now, everything I feel I feel it 10x the amount it should. Good emotions and bad.
But it’s the constant actions of my people that reminds me time after time that even when I can’t pick myself up. They have me. They will carry me to where I need to go and they hold no judgment. That always feels so heavy on my heart because they have carried me more then I have ever carried them. It feels one sided and that causes so much hate for myself. I ask myself why? why do they show up time over time when I have nothing to give them? Why? i don’t understand. But I know just because I don’t understand why it doesn’t matter to them, it doesn’t mean it matters to them. They love me. They want me with them and they make changes to make sure that I’m taken care of. Not many people understand how it takes a village with someone like me and my needs. Because I’m the great pretender, I can pretend all is well and smile and laugh like I have no cares in the world but inside I’m feeling the impending doom and it becomes louder and louder but the love they give me and show me in the big gestures and small ones are louder then the conversation in my head.
So yes, this is us. My group of heathens who would fight the devil from dragging me down.
