Tuesday, September 29, 2015

beautiful blood

 a post from last September 2014

That feeling when you feel the warmth in your lungs, you taste the taste of blood. The feeling of it rushing quickly into your lungs filling them and your coughing trying to get it out. You start to see your life flash before your eyes, i think oh god, not like this. blood spewing out of my mouth every cough i cough its more blood, beautiful bright blood the blood that gives you life is going to be the same blood that kills me. I start to think of the things i didn't do the words i didn't say. I start to plea with god "i know we have never been good friends, i know i have said some shitty things about you but please god not like this, not right now" I stop take a deep breath and i feel it again...more blood. I start to panic knowing that this is possible to bleed to death in a parking lot of a half ass decent restaurant. I glance up see the faces of my mom and dad and matt and realize they are thinking the same thing. Make it stop.
I close my eyes and think of the happy things and think to myself i can't keep doing this...do i call and ambulance? Can we make it to a hospital? my hospital is 2 hours away...what if we don't make it in time?
I open my eyes and reason with myself...this isn't the end...breathe. After getting to the car it starts to slow. Such an awful feeling but relieved at the same time because i know its slowing and that means it might be over.
I try not to panic and ask to be token to a local ER. After sitting inside a room for over 3 hours they determine there isn't anything they can do, so i go home.
Even day and weeks after this passed I find myself dreaming this same nightmare and it feels so real. I awake and realize it was just reliving a bad moment...or was it real? I go to the bathroom and cough and spit...please please don't let it be blood I say to myself as my eyes are closed fearful of what I will find when I open them. The feeling of relief as I open so see nothing that looks like blood. But I'm awake and now worried. So Iay back in bed thinking about how it could of been different that night and how It could of went a completely different way if it didn't stop. I realize again how scary that night was and how lucky iam. As I'm drifting back into a light sleep it replays in my mind again and I go back to that same place, this time tho I don't wake up it happens all over again and I can't do anything but let it all play out in my head.
This happened for days and weeks after. I got little to no solid sleep and I found myself panicking at any chest pain or coughing that resembled that feeling of blood.

 It's been almost. Year since that evening and the nightmares are few and far between nowadays. I try not to let myself get to worked up but it still wakes me up in a cold sweat overtime i relive that night.
Im grateful its been a year since i have an episode like that but i also know it can come at any moment without notice.
so maybe the next time ill be a little more prepared but i honestly don't know how i could prepare myself for that experience.


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