Monday, September 7, 2015


I haven't written in a long time almost a year. Things haven't changed to much in that year and I'm grateful for that. But at the same time things have been sliding slowly down hill. My lung function is at a low and seems to be staying there even after iv use. The shortness of breath is awful and find myself exhausted after every single task. My weight is an issue as it's the lowest it's been in probably 5 years. All of these are little things that build up to be a big issue escpecially with cf. I'm working on the feeding and nutrition, I'm finishing a round of IVs and soon will try a new path and visit a doctor who is more in tune with a natural way to help as I have found some of my lab work (especially vitamins) are a little out of whack, so what do I have to loose to go and see what they say. 
  Things other wise have been okay. Sometimes having to constantly fight to stay relatively healthy gets old and I find my depression at times grabbing me and pulling me down. Some days I can handle it and some days I just don't try to fight it. 
  I'm learning the more I try to plan to have. Good day the more likely it is my body or lungs will be a bitch and ruin what I have planned. Or it's the insomnia that has been a little booger lately. 

My brother just celebrated his 30th birthday and man is it crazy to think that he is that old, even though to me when I close my eyes I still see the big brother who was my idol and I would do anything just to get him to acknowledge me. 

My husband just celebrated his birthday too. We had an amazing lunch with his family and mine at our beautiful home and it was perfect. I just wish I felt more like me and was able to enjoy everyone instead of being a bump on the log. I hope he forgives me for that, like I said I can't control my good days. 

Matt is snoring in bed and as much as I love the sound of him sleeping it's just bittersweet not to be sleeping along with him. But I'll lay here in bed, with my two loves Matt and Rosie and knowing they are happy and healthy and their love  gives me a peace and joy that makes me feel complete even when I'm at my worse

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