Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Fighter

Sometimes I have so many thoughts they jumble together and I scramble to seperate them.

I realize now in this moment more then I ever have how so much depends on my health. The one thing I cannot control.

I realize no matter how many days you stay with me you will never truely know CF and what it does to my physical and emotional being. The things that I think of and that happen are unexplainable to you and no matter how hard I try you will never know. & even though it's not your fault I will resent you at some point for your ability to stay healthy or your stamina and even for the way you just don't care the way I care. You will never have the black cloud over your head the stress of a bad cough and a loss of a fellow comrade. You will never know what it's like to have a holiday approach abd not know of it would be your last.

I see so many moments where life is bleak and I think to myself why? Why me? Why my family?Why does it have to be so long and painful. Why do I have to look so healthy but feel so awful. Why continue another day?

I'm awake thinking these thoughts and I feel such hate twoards these thoughts but they still come one after the other like a train of misfortune.

Iam weak today. My thoughts are weak my spirits are weak. I have no desire to awake to another day like today. Im weak today but tomorrow I'll be stronger. Im a fighter..Always what i have been and all i know how to do.

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