Friday, January 3, 2014

Your love vs My love

I wrote this Christmas night
 Better to post it late then never. 

Dearest Matthew 
Your sleeping like a rock and I'm struggling to find a position that doesn't make me burst into tears. I hear you snoring and even though it's hard to get use to I love that sometime I enjoy the comfort in hearing you sleep even if it's noisy. 

I'm sorry I have been unwell lately and even though you say it's not something I need to apologize for I need to say these words regardless. I'm sorry for when I'm not feeling well and you take the brunt of the stress and fatigue.

It's easy for me to look at myself and see very little but I sometimes I don't see the wife you deserve. I just see a broken girl with a broken soul trying to love someone who loves in the most deepest and unconditional ways possible. 
Being sick is our biggest burden but it's not your burden it all falls on me. 

I struggle to be the daughter your parents deserve and the sister your brother and sister need. I struggle with being the wife you deserve.

I'm tired of telling you I don't feel well. It makes everything feel so depressing and makes everything so much more negative. And that's why when you ask how iam it's easier to lie and cover the pain because I don't want you to worry. 

I know when our families look at us they see such different things. Your family sees me as this "well" looking young woman but they don't see the struggle. So when I come up missing in family events I hope they give me the benefit of the doubt. I choose not to let your family see me weak. Iam more then a weak person and I hope they see how much I do love being part of their family. 

My family looks at you and sees love beyond all limits. The way you are to me makes them proud to have you as there family and I just proud that you are mine. 
I have disappointed you again by not coming to Christmas dinner tonight and I 
know this won't be the last time. 

Sometimes I wish I was able to pick my good days and bad days. You deserve to have good days that benefit you. 

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