I haven't written in a while and I have no reason why other then I just have nothing to say. I feel distant to everything lately just feeling like there is a space between my heart and my head. I'm feeling off lately just off like no one understands me or my thoughts or even the thought I'm trying to convey in a conversation I feel like the world is spinning and I'm standing still.
I see so much around me people changing and growing up and drifting away but I'm still here waiting as life passes me by. I see moments where I'm invisible and I wonder will they notice when one day I'm not standing in the spot "they" left me in.
Life keeps moving on no matter how hard I try to slowdown. The harder I push the harder they pull.
I'll be okay I always am. If I have learned one thing; I'm alot stronger then I look.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Forgive me
I go back and forth about posting certain things on my blog. This is one of those posts I write then delete. It's really honest. I just hope it's not to much emotion.
Take me back to the days when everything we did we did together. You and I grew up perfectly. You the older brother and me the proud baby sister. I adored you from the beginning and you could care less. We grew up ;we became your typical brother and sister. Bickering laughing teasing. Riding bikes playing soccer together.
I realize now looking back things all changed when I was diagnosed with cf. maybe because you felt like you had a different sister who had new needs. I still looked up to you for strength and support more then ever after that news.
Now 15 years after being diagnosed I see how you went from my big brother to my protector not because you wanted to but because that's what you had to do. Still to this day that responsibility is thrown on you. I'm sorry for the stress that causes you. I'm sorry for the strain it puts on your relationships. It's not your burden to carry. I will make a better effort of not letting my health effect you and your life. You deserve to have that stress and burden lifted off of you and I'm sorry for all these years leaning on you when I should of been standing on my own two feet.
I hope you forgive me for everything and one day truly understand the love and admiration I have for you not only as a human being but most importantly my big brother .
Take me back to the days when everything we did we did together. You and I grew up perfectly. You the older brother and me the proud baby sister. I adored you from the beginning and you could care less. We grew up ;we became your typical brother and sister. Bickering laughing teasing. Riding bikes playing soccer together.
I realize now looking back things all changed when I was diagnosed with cf. maybe because you felt like you had a different sister who had new needs. I still looked up to you for strength and support more then ever after that news.
Now 15 years after being diagnosed I see how you went from my big brother to my protector not because you wanted to but because that's what you had to do. Still to this day that responsibility is thrown on you. I'm sorry for the stress that causes you. I'm sorry for the strain it puts on your relationships. It's not your burden to carry. I will make a better effort of not letting my health effect you and your life. You deserve to have that stress and burden lifted off of you and I'm sorry for all these years leaning on you when I should of been standing on my own two feet.
I hope you forgive me for everything and one day truly understand the love and admiration I have for you not only as a human being but most importantly my big brother .
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Here's to tomorrow
Nobody knows what it's like to be around me at my moments when I'm weak. Very few see it maybe only 4 people. The weak moments where I lay in bed and my dad brings me apple juice in my favorite hello kitty glass with a straw.
Those moments I hate feeling so weak and it would take just one thing to set me off and I'd be an emotional disaster. But that's the true and ugly part of cf that you don't see. Only few really know the whole story on cf, what it does to you and the ones you love the most. To see the agony in Aaron's face as he gives me my most treasured gift...a hand hug. I know he's worried. I know he is concerned and his eyes give it away. My dearest mother lays in bed with me while I'm hooked to ivs and feeding tubes. Just her company is enough to make me feel better. I'm just thankful we have that relationship and more thankful we aren't in the hospital.
It's easy at times to see things and see how bleak the outcome is. Today was one of those days for me. But im aloud to have those days. It's normal feeling and emotions. I just have to make tomorrow better then yesterday. And if I do that I have no where else to go but up.
So here's to tomorrow. May it be less bumpy...more smiles and better spirits. But if its not then that's fine I'll wait and have my good day...just you wait and see
Those moments I hate feeling so weak and it would take just one thing to set me off and I'd be an emotional disaster. But that's the true and ugly part of cf that you don't see. Only few really know the whole story on cf, what it does to you and the ones you love the most. To see the agony in Aaron's face as he gives me my most treasured gift...a hand hug. I know he's worried. I know he is concerned and his eyes give it away. My dearest mother lays in bed with me while I'm hooked to ivs and feeding tubes. Just her company is enough to make me feel better. I'm just thankful we have that relationship and more thankful we aren't in the hospital.
It's easy at times to see things and see how bleak the outcome is. Today was one of those days for me. But im aloud to have those days. It's normal feeling and emotions. I just have to make tomorrow better then yesterday. And if I do that I have no where else to go but up.
So here's to tomorrow. May it be less bumpy...more smiles and better spirits. But if its not then that's fine I'll wait and have my good day...just you wait and see
